There's one thing wrong with the new Dancing With the Stars lineup: Everything!
Kate Gosselin?! Jake Pavelka?! Chad Ochocinco?!
This is not the DWTS that we know. This is an imposter! A fraud! A show that takes the meaning of the word "stars" literally, as opposed to ironically! Et tu, Tom Bergeron?
Historically, the ABC franchise has been a reliable source of employment for people whose fame the audience must take at their word.
We go along with the act because: (a) technically, they are more famous than some; and (b) we can make than more famous than most, and in ways that are exciting and new. We delivered Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell to Broadway and Extra! We let Kelly Osbourne grow up, and grow past The Osbournes! We gave Cloris Leachman her sexy back!
But not this coming season.
Pavelka's hot off The Bachelor's most-watched season in years. Ochocinco's in the prime of a controversial football career. Evan Lysacek's fresh off his figure-skating gold medal at the Winter Olympics. Nicole Scherzinger's direct from the "We Are the World" redo. Erin Andrews' ripped from the headlines of her unfortunate stalker case.
And Gosselin? Love her or otherwise, she's a first-rate brand name making her much-anticipated, post-divorce prime-time debut.
What can we do for these people? Zip. They're famous. They're current. They're stars.
Are we to believe DWTS threw us a bone with the casting of Buzz Aldrin? Please. Oh, sure, the man's 80. And, no, he's hardly tabloid fodder. But come on: HE WALKED ON THE MOON. We can't think of anyone who needs our approval less.
Which brings us to Jon Gosselin.
Now, that's the Gosselin the old DWTS would've landed—a marginally to formerly famous person in need of a workout, and a makeover. He would've been a challenge—ours to make or to break.
But no. We get stuck with the starriest DWTS yet. Great.
Now we're going to have to watch the whole season.
Step right this way for the info on all 11 new Dancing With the Star hopefuls.