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Freddie Prince Jr., Antonio Banderas, Ben Affleck

Brian Bowen Smith/FOX; Mark Sullivan/Getty Images; Todd Williamson/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
OMG...I think this is the first BV I've nailed right off the bat! Marky Sweet Puss and Cruella are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner! Please tell me I'm right, so I can treat myself to a cupcake.
—Lizzee
 

Dear Cupcake:
Sorry dollface, the obvious answer is never the right one! Treat yourself to that cupcake anyways, A for effort.

Dear Ted:
I have read your column for years and I love it! I see Alex Skarsgård fans calling you a fake and a liar ever since your Nelly Fang Blind Vice came out. I bet these same people lapped up your every word before that. Their vitriol towards you makes me think they believe it's him. I find it interesting that you haven't come out and actually said he's not Nelly. Not guessing anybody, just an observation. But do you have any new hints for us about Nelly?
—Barb

Dear True Fans:
You're right, they do think it's him. No new news, Nelly's a tad off the radar right now.

Dear Ted:
What's your take on Demi Lovato's new 'tude toward (former?) bestie Selena Gomez? Has Demi turned into a diva who's maybe sucking sour grapes since Selena has turned into a more visible and in-demand star? I hope these two are still friends, but I get the feeling that they've fallen out of touch (per Demi's comments when asked about Selena, she said "I don't know, ask Taylor!)
—Trouble in Disney Paradise

Dear BFF Drama:
One Disney darling is always out. But yeah, I'd say Demi and Selena are seeming like they're going down the frenemies path. Miley's loving it!

Dear Ted:
I think you're a horrible person if you refuse to put an actor for a BV if it gives you hits or attention. You can damage an actor's reputation and for all we know, said actor could have been extremely innocent and an all-round nice guy. Unlike you, I've had a chance to meet Jared Padalecki at a convention and he's one of the sweetest person's you'll ever meet. But hey, you're so full of yourself that you're perfectly fine having his fans turn against him for believing him to be one of your BV's. Not him for Judas already.
—Alena

Dear Righteous:
Tell me how you really feel...

Dear Ted:
I have got to ask this...where the heck are all of the mothers of crazy slut bag teens in Hollywood? Do they not know how to lay some ground rules for their children? Or is it all about the money? I bet it is all about the money, but that is just freaking sad. I guess I shouldn't be surprised...look at the Lohans!
—Amanda

Dear Mommy Dearest:
Money and fame go hand in hand. A lot of these moms just want to live vicariously through their kids. Lohan, Panettiere, even Murphy. It's a shame, really.

Dear Ted:
In your reply defending Angelina's mothering skills, you claimed their kids never had a choice for a normal life. What about Julia Roberts? She's a big star too and seems to lead a very normal life; I don't even know what her kids look like. I state that Brad+Angie would have the choice to keep their lives out of the limelight, but they choose not to. (Same goes triple for the parents of the poor trophy kid Suri Cruise.)
—MK

Dear Papa-razzi:
True, but thing is Brangie is more of a paparazzi draw than Roberts. Remember, Brangelina have double the star power, which means double the cameras and publicity. Julia's hubby works behind the scenes, which makes their fam way less of a draw for the shutterbugs.

Dear Ted:
In celebration of Jared Padalecki's wedding maybe you could give us a clue to his BV? Does his lovely wife Genevieve have any reason to worry about it?
—Curious

Dear Wedding Gift:
I wish nothing but the best to the happy newlyweds!

Dear Ted:
I would like to introduce you to Izzy, my family's 5 year old Airedale that we adopted two weeks ago. She is already a huge fan of your column. I am a proud mom! I was hoping you could tell Izzy and I when you reveal a blind vice. Is it when the actual person admits to his/her secret in person or when they just make you angry enough or what? How is the new blind vice page coming?
—Stephanie

Dear Izzy:
It's when I can't get my ass sued! A la if a source decides to go on record about the goings on of the celeb question at hand, or if the star is dumb enough to get their ass caught in the act.

Dear Ted:
There are only two gangly and gorgeous guys that I can think of when guessing the identity of Judas Jack-Off: Chace Crawford or Jared Padalecki. Could you tell me if I'm on the right track?
—Cappella

Dear Hunks:
You are in the sense Judas is dreamy!

Dear Ted:
Oh hail to all-mighty Ted, I so have to try for you last Blind Vice: is Marky Sweet-Puss the again hunkalicious Antonio Banderas? Keep-up the great job! The mucho gray hair makes you look like a sexy beast. Obviously, singledom is treating you right lately.
—Rita

Dear Butter Cups:
Flattery will get you an answer at least. And that would be no.

Dear Ted:
So what do you think of Jackle's own bodyguard, Clif Kosterman saying he can neither confirm or deny that Jared and Jensen are gay when he is asked (pardon the pun) straight out on twitter if they are gay?
—Questions

Dear Tweeter:
That twitter username isn't confirmed so let's not make assumptions about any of the posts coming from that account. Do you really think a bodyguard would be twittering out locations where he's going? We're going with fan-faker.

Dear Ted:
As a devoted fan of Awful Truth I am beginning to think that most Hollywood players are bisexual rather than just being same-sex oriented. Seymour Plow Me More has me puzzled because he did procreate but continues his dalliances with men. How do you classify sexuality? I guess Linds would be classified as bi rather than lesbian? Is being bisexual the same as being gay in your terminology?
—KikiConfused

Dear Definitions:
It's a slippery slope indeed. I guess since the fact Seymour diddles men on the side more than his own wife (which is like, never I assure you) I say gay not bisexual.

Dear Ted:
Is Marky Sweet-Puss Freddie Prinze Jr.? If you don't get back to me I'll know the answer.
—Adri

Dear Calling Your Bluff:
Well, I'm getting back to you.

Dear Ted:
Did Selena Gomez and Taylor Lautner ever date? 'Cause she seems determined to deny they ever did, claiming that they are just "good friends" Then again she never admits when she is dating! (Right Nick Jonas?) but they did look very much into each other when they were both in Canada! Not like the other TayTay's "Relationship" with Sel's BFF Swifty! Man I love this kids! It's like a high school but with hotter and richer kids!
—Lopez

Dear Hollywood HS:
Selena is pretty good at playing it cool with the press and avoiding the tough questions, as you have pointed out...but I wouldn't say they dated really, either.

Dear Ted:
I love your column but hate that every time I come into the E! site there's some news of Jon Gosselin or Snookie! WTF (excuse my French) who cares about their pathetic lives? Can us AT fans make them go away? Please help!
—V

Dear Reality:
I guess you will just have to make AT your homepage—then you can avoid Snookie and JG forever!

Dear Ted:
I heard that Marky had a similar situation only with a woman. Could it be that he flies both ways?
—Pocketbook Pammy

Dear Gossip:
Who exactly are we talking about?

Dear Ted:
Tragedy, not gossip. Andrew Koenig is gone. My heart goes out to his family and friends. Depression is such an insidious illness. Just when you need your best judgment to get help and accept support, depression twists your ability to make decisions out of your control. All my prayers to his loved ones.
—Susan

Dear Shared Feelings:
I'm right there with ya darling.

________

For more of Ted's take on Hollywood head on over to our Bitch-Back section