Bitch-Back! Who Are Chester and Secretia?

Our Blind Vice stars have readers worked up

Dear Ted:
Are Chester Shorts-Off and Secretia Ohio Josh Duhamel and Fergie? Enjoy your weather...ours sucks in Ohio!
—ECramer

Dear Guesses:
Fabola guess, but wrong dramatic, sexyass couple! And our weather's as dank and cold as Brad's beard right now, so don't be jealous.

Dear Ted:
I'm a big Supernatural fan, but I gotta say, the Vampire Diaries is giving them a run for their money in the hot-brothers department. How do Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder compare to Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles when it comes to bromance?
—Bliss

Dear Brotherly Love:
Get real! Jackles are by far the CW's best BFFs. I do think the Vampire Diaries crew gets along well off the set, though. Maybe just not in the same way.

Dear Ted:
Out of Joe Jonas, Nick Jonas and Taylor Lautner, who has been a Blind Vice?
—Brandi

Dear Tween Queen:
At least one of them has been B.V.-involved (and how), maybe more?

Dear Ted:
Ever since you wrote that the execs wanted Rob and Kristen to concentrate on their careers and not their romance, there hasn't been any news on them. Are they way under the radar now?
—Dander

Dear Radar:
They have been lying low—although Rob was spotted out and about in London this week.

Dear Ted:
So with Hasty Pudding making Justin Timberlake and Anne Hathaway Man and Woman of the Year respectively, it got me thinking: Do you think they'd make a good couple in real life? Sure Justin and Jessica Biel "look" good together, but obviously don't have it goin' on personality-wise. I think Justin and Anne would make a steamy couple. Have they ever met each other? Your thoughts on the pairing?
—Tiffany

Dear Matchmaker:
After the whole fiasco Anne went through with her money-laundering ex-BF, we would like to see her with someone a little more normal—like someone who is not famous. Plus, hate to say, J.T. doesn't exactly go for the brains type.

Dear Ted:
Just saw the Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel lovefest on the talk shows. Are they for real, or playing it up for press?
—Curious

Dear Smarty Pants:
Playing buddy-buddy with your castmates the week before your movie comes out is totally standard. The things these girls could talk about...

Dear Ted:
Regarding your Lady Gaga story, I honestly do not understand what the hype (and hate) is all about? First off, you're a gossip blolum (not the New York Times). Second, not to be rude to the Lady, but in the beginning of the video clip, you do see that Gaga is slobbering all over Alexander and he is looking...unresponsive? Third, she did lose weight! Lady Gaga has been looking slimmer, and more importantly, much fitter lately than she had in the past six months. People, when you opt to read something, read it all before giving your opinion if you want your opinion to make an intelligent statement!
—Rita

Dear Other:
You wanna be our A.T. spokeswoman or something?

Dear Ted:
How did you start writing your B.V.s? Did you just wake up one day and decided to tease us? Also when is Toothy Tile going to come out?! The suspense is killing me!
—Just Waiting

Dear History Lesson:
I actually think Toothy just might come out before all my hair turns gray.

Dear Ted:
If you had to compare Sam Worthington to another actor in Hollywood, who would he most resemble in terms of acting skill and career progression?
—Snow

Dear Cutie Comparison:
Possibly Russell Crowe? When he was young and hot, that is.

Dear Ted:
I'm curious, how does Hollywood treat you? Has a celebrity ever outright said or done anything to you because of your column?
—Your fan

Dear Reality:
Yeah, they read it. That's how they treat me. All I care about.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Katie Holmes lately? She looks so old. Is her marriage finally taking its toll?
—Wondering

Dear Married Bliss:
I feel like she's been looking rather decent recently. Not to say appearances aren't deceiving.

Dear Ted:
I think it's ridiculous people are saying Orlando Bloom is having an affair with K.Stew. I think she is definitely happy with R.Pattz, and she is too good for Orlando. But is it possible?
—Xandi

Dear Steamy:
Ridiculous? Yes. Possible? Maybe. True? No.

Dear Ted:
Don't you think it's great to see Jake Gyllenhaal again hanging out with his real friends and having a genuinely good time, instead of fauxmancing for the cameras in staged photo ops? I hope it means that tabloid-product Jake is a thing of the past and that he'll now focus on acting and remain true to his charming self. What do you think?
—Marisa

Dear Team Jake:
I totally prefer the non-Reese-attached Jake myself.

Dear Ted:
In his song "Blame it", Jamie Foxx sings, "Blame it on the Goose/ Got you feeling loose." Is he giving us a hint that he is Toothy's man Grey Goose?
—Julia

Dear Interpreter:
Jamie Foxx is talking about another goose—the alcoholic kind.

Dear Ted:
Angie and Brad looked so happy at the Super Bowl. Too bad their kid looked like someone ran over his dog (kidding). Those poor kids never smile. How can they claim all is well when their family looks so unhappy?
—Sally

Dear Perfect:
Kids aren't always happy, and the Brangelina tots aren't always around photographers and aren't as used to the glare as, say, Suri is.

Dear Ted:
You have said many times that you don't out closeted actors, but didn't you just do that in the Bitch-Back question regarding Vampire Diaries' Paul Wesley?
—C.T.

Dear Nope:
I think you totally misread, then, because I did no such thing.

Dear Ted:
I think Rob and Kristen are a great couple. I think they are smart in their relationship—smarter than older people. I think I love that there are now stupid rumors about Kris cheating on Rob 'cause it seemed like he was always getting those sort of rumors and not her. I don't think Rob is that stupid to cheat on Kristen. He tried really hard to get with her, why would he ruin it. He just adores her don't you agree?
—Vern

Dear Thoughts:
Agree.

Dear Ted:
What happened between Kellan Lutz and Taylor Lautner at a post-Super Bowl party? I read Taylor blew off Kellan. Is his ego getting as big as his neck?
—Georgia

Dear Fight:
I just don't think those two are the besties of the bunch. No bad blood, though. Just different kinda guys. Make that very different.

Dear Ted:
I just read a tabloid saying Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner are having an affair. Had you seen that coming with this whole "time apart to focus in their career" thing going on with K.Stew and R.Pattz? I know you keep saying that they are very much in love with each other, and even I want this to be true. It's to much gossip around all of this. Please clear my mind up.
—Concerned

Dear Overly Worried:
Trust me, that tab couldn't be more wrong.

Dear Ted:
I think you were right on the money, stating the obvious in regards to Lady Gaga's weight loss. I think she is an awesome artist, but pictures don't lie. Also, I know that you have a great love for the four-legged creatures of the world, and I was hoping you might give your readers a link to the Demand Justice for Buddy petition. I just feel so sad about this dog, and I hope that you and readers will be touched.
—Christina

Dear Charity:
Right, L.G. def lost weight and toned up. She looks good! Don't get what all the fuss was about.

Dear Ted:
I will donate to my local animal shelter if you can answer this question without a single Twilight reference: Give us five male movie or TV actors who lie about their height. Recent pictures of Patrick Dempsey with Bradley Cooper have inspired the question.
—Secrets

Dear Lies:
Lie or prefer not to discuss? Two above great choices. So, too, would be Tom Cruise, Tobey Maguire and Sam Worthington. Thanks for donating, sugarpuss!

Dear Ted:
Has Matthew Fox been eliminated as JJO or DDD? Has he ever been a B.V.?
—Eliminator

Dear Lost:
Nope!

Dear Ted:
Are Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off Hank and Kendra? You mentioned "arenas" today.
—Steph

Dear Girl Next Door:
Very wrong, but right idea. In a lotta ways.