For a brief moment where he takes a break from talking about himself to discuss one of the more important issues of our time: Tiger Woods.
"Tiger Woods' problems come from him being married. The end," Mayer explains. "It has nothing to do with control. If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat,' why would that ever hit the news?"
Wow, so true. But just like that, it all comes back around to how it relates to John Mayer:
"I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I'm not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you've never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they'd say 'I don't have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal. He's 32 years old. He's a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.' And that's why I won't do that. When I get married that's gonna be my vows, 'Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?' Yes, I do—you're the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life."
And just as he finishes up this charming monologue, John Mayer pauses for a second, looks off into the the distance and dreams of a day when everyone will respect him for not being the absolute worst.
"With this whole Tiger Woods situation," he says, "I wish more people would be like, 'You know what, Mayer? You didn't f--k up at all.'"
Nice try, Mayer, but you're still in our What a Douche! gallery.