The Awful Truth

FOX

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane was named in Entertainment Weekly's list of the Top 25 Smartest People in Television, right ahead of Sarah Palin's proxy, Tina Fey. Dude went from having a cancelled cartoon to getting paid a billion bucks to bring the same show back, plus two more. Not an easy feat, but if Seth's so smart, how come he doesn't know how to put on a condom?

We know you babes love your polls so much, and you're so damn accurate at deciding them (sorry, Mr. Montag). So if this flimsy-handed hotshot is the Einstein of TV, who's the stupidest?

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Dear Ted:
Please out the real neocon D-bag, Josh Brolin, for what he is: cheater, liar, H8er and sociopath. Or does ID PR have your balls in a vice?
—kathyrivet

Dear Mrs. Lane:
Look, I'm not satisfied that emergency call Brolin's wife, Diane, made about Josh's suspicious activities ever got really answered, either. Clearly something's up with that. Folks with no secrets don't call 911 on their partners. But I did press Diane's famously ballsy PR firm, ID, about the subject more than once (they said it was not a problem for Lane and the matter was resolved, oh, please)—as I have regarding weird stuff on several of their other clients, to boot. Viced, I am not.

Dear Ted:
What did you really think of Milk? I am hetero, and I'm an advocate for the LGBT community. I wanted to know if it is worth recommending. As a side note, damn that Prop 8! It has set back diversity a million light years...for the nanosecond. Power to the people!
—Bronwyn

Dear Thirsty:
Sean Penn was phenomenal, and I would def recommend the film, especially to those who don't know much about Harvey Milk. Just wish more out gay folks had been cast in the movie, that's all.

Dear Ted:
Why has no one really gone to see Australia? It's very good, forget those stupid-ass critics, it was totally unlike any epic movie I ever watched it was funny, full of color and off course the drama, but all in all it was really great. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman rocked, I'll see it again just to laugh.
—Amethyistbella

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Serge Thomann/Getty Images; Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

Back in July, we let fly an odd item regarding rumors of a then-pregged Nicole Kidman wearing a fake bump, with li'l Sunday Rose being conceived someplace else. Possibly through a surrogate, or Nic's waify-lookin' bun in the oven helped by sis Antonia's eggs. No comment from Nicole. Baby Urban was born soon after, and we dropped the possibly bogus baby-bump buzz in favor of wanting a response about N.K.'s bloody bodyguard sitch instead.

A.T.'s own Becky Bain, though, was Down Undah just last week, and whispers of this conception controversy were more like screeches—Kidman's local posse loudly dished to us their doubts about the mommy status of the star, insisting to us that Antonia Kidman was Sunday's surrogate all along.

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ABC/ADAM LARKEY

As is if we needed another conniving, manipulative, rather good-looking gal operator in town, but mercy above, do we ever have one! Freshly graduated from the Angelina Jolie School of Shark-Swimming Without Scratches is...ta-da, Reese Witherspoon!

Watch her rewrite marital history! Watch her bed the most unbeddable bachelors in town! Oh, and if these magazine confessionals where Ms. W says the fact that she's "too trusting" is her greatest flaw isn't enough, now we've got all of America buying this nonsense, as Four Christmases' massive success is proof.

But look, this is a double-edged Pisser for me, really, as I happen to adore Ms. W, and not just because she likes to call me "Mr. Casablanca." So does Bill O'Reilly. Those good manners often reveal steely and dangerous aplomb deep down below, surely as it does with no one better than the Tennessee-raised barracuda herself.

R.W. beams while her myriad representatives take care of the dirty work in town, trust me on this score. I'm almost starting to admire Angelina, by comparison. At least she scowls on the outside when she's feeling it on the inside, something ladylike Witherspoon would do about as fast as she'd invite Abbie Cornish for tea.

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AP Photo/Bruno Bebert, file

Remember when Britney Spears just showed up at Madonna's L.A. tour stop and sorta comatose-jiggled through a halfassed duet of "Human Nature"? Well, it's payback time!

We're hearing from inside musical spies that Madonna's planning on paying back her crazy little showbiz sis, Brit-Brit, and showing up at one of her upcoming concerts—too fierce and fab!

What could the duet possibly be they'd choose from Britney's eclectic song catalog? Their already existing job together, "Me Against the Music," would just be too insanely appropriate, and since both babes are far more into the shock factor than actually making beautiful music together, scratch that notion.

Instead, we're told a far more likely choice would be something along the lines of…

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Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images

Jessica Alba looked like one hot mama in her calendar pics for Campari—too bad that lascivious look didn't last long.

Here's a really, really rosy Jessy on the equally red Campari carpet, looking like the shiniest Christmas ornament on the tree. This seasonal style mistake makes Alb-hon look wider than she did during her pregnancy, yikes. And Jess, why hide the best part of new mommyhood, your bountiful breasts?

At least your bowl-cut 'do looks better than it did here, but we much prefer you as a doe-eyed vamp, not a satin oven mitt, the perfect stocking stuffer for the MILF lover in your life.

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WENN

If Paris Hilton's bar behavior this week says anything, it's that babe has more than moved on from her Madden man—like that's news, or anything. But let's discuss, just the same, because we know you adore all things sex-munchy, just like we do. Pare-poo hit up H'wood club Bardot Monday night, partying with a group of pals. Pare's winning BFF, Brittany Flickinger, was nowhere to be seen, tho, surprise. One barfly reported on P-poo rather breathlessly:

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Focus Features

Dear Ted:
While I have no arguments over who can play what role artistically, I have a big problem as a gay man with Hollywood refusing to cast openly gay men in films such as Milk for leading roles. Harvey Milk was all about visibility in real life. Therefore, once my company begins filming, gay men will be playing gay roles. This was where Prop 8 failed. We counted on other people to "represent" us instead of ourselves. So simple, yet nobody, gay or straight, in Hollywood, wants to get it. By the way, you "represent" like hell, baby!
—Jeff, Panther Studios, LLC

Dear Man to Man:
But what openly gay leading men are out there and available to be cast? It's slim pickings if you're trying to make a big-budget flick. I actually have no problem with Sean Penn playing Milk, he did a bang-up job I think Milk himself would have loved. It's the rest of the cast that should have been filled to the brim with out, or at least quasi-out, men and women. Neil Patrick Harris would have been great, for starters.

Dear Ted:
Thank you for the link to the Angelina Jolie story in the Times. It was an eye-opener! Of course, I've not been able to stomach her since she sunk her fangs into Brad Pitt, but it's still nice to see her lambasted in print. I think Brad must be the dumbest man in Hollywood. He doesn't seem to get it that he's a joke. Why don't we start picking on him for a change? Angie can take anything, but Brad's a weakling. I truly think that any man who married Jennifer Aniston, and then as much as married Angelina Jolie, can't have much going on in the cranium. If Brad felt the pressure of the press against him, I think he'd hightail it to mama like greased lightning.
—Anne

Dear Brad Roast:
Haven't you learned, hon, men (gay and straight) get away with everything in this town.

Dear Ted:
Wouldn't it be more appropriate for Ben Affleck to be home protecting his pregnant wife and toddler from a nutcase stalker rather than do-gooding it in Africa? I've always taken your misgivings about this marriage very seriously. As someone who writes for a living, I've always wanted to tell you I read you as much for your great prose styling as well as the gossip.
—Fredda

Dear Onto It:
I guess B's excuse to be away from his wife was just bad timing.

Dear Ted:
Is Oded Good-Head from One Unmanageable Blind Vice André 3000? If not, what about Busta Rhymes? I always thought something was up with André and those wigs! Am I close or way off track?
—Slockewilliams

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Lindsay Lohan must be in a giving mood, 'cause babe really opened up on her MySpace blog, maybe you saw? She's not just "sick of rumors startin'," as her own pop ditty goes, about her and Sam breaking up (way to slink halfway out of the closet, Linds). She's superpissed about something other than the paparazzi or her dad—Facebook. Just how livid is Lilo? L2 wrote what is quite possibly her longest blog entry yet about her FB account being disabled because administrators thought she was a poser; pretty funny, actually.

Just for comparison's sake, her blog about Barack Obama winning the presidency? Guess how long?

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Lester Cohen/Getty Images

Clearly all the sex we’re supposed to be gobbling up this holiday season is either right up there, or so deliciously implied in the forbidden teen-vampire delight Twilight. Forget the frozen-faced Nicole Kidman conjuring up anything remotely erotic in Australia—a pretty Herculean feat considering she’s acting opposite the most exquisitely hunky, hairy love god, Hugh Jackman.

Quit messing with your womanliness, woman!

Back to Twilight, which hit on all mattress-ready moods save one: It’s sexist. Why are all the boy vampires the driving, dynamic, more droolworthy ones? Why is Bella’s greatest achievement to be bedded by Edward? Why the hell isn’t she bedding who she pleases, and deciding when?

Per usual, this movie, like most movies, is driven by the dudes (and really, what do you expect, with original author Stephenie Meyer being a Mormon).

So here you have an opportunity, Twilight producers: For those obviously 260 billion sequels, you don’t need to rewrite Twilight history or anything, but do please pull a little Hollywood magic and give young girls all over the world some bitchin’ female empowerment to look up to. Could, say, a role be written for Megan Fox as an all-knowing lady vampire who makes Eddie-poo piss in his comfy sweaters? Oh, yeah!

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BAUER-GRIFFIN.COM

We miss the days when all we knew about John Mayer was his songs. Who knew there was such a D-bag-behaving jigaloon behind J.M.'s former curls? Here's Johnny arriving at LAX draped in black from head to toe, looking quelle European while donning one saucy neckerchief and the beginnings of a faux-stache.

Does he think wearing all noir will keep him out of sight of the paps? Or is he being as naive as Jen Aniston? We still can't see what she sees in him besides scoring rival headlines with Angie.

The longer Jenny's with somebody, anybody—even a guy who resembles an international jewel thief—the longer pregnancy rumors can spread out. And every celeb knows that staying coy about being with baby garners the same publicity an Oscar nom does.

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Theo Wargo/Getty Images

Madonna's Argentinean fans don't have to cry anymore for her—M's returning to Buenos Aires for her Sticky & Sweet (and Botoxed and Buff) Tour, the first time she'll be in South America since filming Evita in 1995.

Guess the Argentine are still head over heels for their faux Eva Perón, since three more shows have been added for die-hard M fans, and three of the four dates completely sold out. That's the best news Madge could get, no?

Unless, of course, Maddy finds out she's expecting more than a big payday. Last time she was in South America, Ms. Ciccone found out she was pregnant with Lourdes. Should we, and A-Rod, be prepared for another not-so-immaculate conception this time around? Or is being the big 5-0 reason enough for Madge to stick to her skanky sexual ways without worry? I totally vote for the former. You just know it's only a matter of time before that scare starts up, partick with a stud like Roddy baby.

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