The Awful Truth

MTV's Video Music Awards are this weekend, and we're lukewarm on the whole affair. Russell Brand as the host? We've only seen this Brit bloke once before, in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which feels like eons ago, and those VMA commercials costarring bigger name candy Britney.

Which poses the question, why isn't B.S. hosting the whole damn show? That's the only reason why anybody tuned in last year, train wreck wobbling or not, and we're betting that's why anybody's tuning in this time around. (Anyone who isn't a Jonas Bro fan, at least.) Sure, she may be opening the ceremony, whatever that turns out to be, but once Brit-Brit's time to shine or slime is kaput, it's gonna take a lot to keep us entertained for two more hours. Check out B-babe's moves in the clip above and tell us she doesn't have the goods (if not the greats) for a second chance. Let's just hope Kid Rock gets unleashed on the crowd at some point, throwing punches all around in preparation for his next mug shot. And maybe the girl Katy Perry pecks during her "Like a Virgin" performance—which is not only blasphemy but redundant after the Brit and Christina duet and Madonna smoocheroo five years ago—will be none other than Madge herself, who just can't get enough lady lip-locking at the VMA's.

Can ya blame us for wanting more of Spears? She's captivating to watch, whether she's with it or not. Then again, sometimes this milk-it-till-you-drop thing backfires. Just look at Courtney Love (or rather, don't). So, what say you, folks: Should Britters be making all these public appearances (the more official kind—we don't mean stopping by Rite Aid), or should be jump off the radar for a while?

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain

Merrick Morton / Columbia Pictures

Call it the battle of the contractual web weavers. Tobey Maguire's very interested in doing the next Spider-Man sequel, sure, and now there's word today that the deal is done. Not true at all, blab several top sources on the project, who say the news about Spidey 4—and maybe 5—is jumping the gun.

These film insiders insist that the Tobey sealed-up talk is "premature," though it does look like Maguire is headed toward putting on that sexy suit again. Tobe-doll made roughly $17 mil on the last flick alone, minimum, right? What idiot wouldn't for that kind of loot?

Here's how it's going down:

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Stay with us a sec here, but, darlings, Meg Ryan's got more nerve than Russell Crowe's butt has cellulite. See, we hauled our not-yet-lipoed asses over to Westwood last night for the premiere of The Women, a remake of one of our fave films.

Think of it as a mix between Sex and the City and the Spice Girls circa the reunion tour with fab getups. The all-gal flick deals with myriad kinds of raggy relationship drama, par-tick infidelity.

Speaking of which, we caught up with Meg Ryan looking gorge, minus her strange lips—whomever they belong to, we simply have no idea. M.R.'s character, Mary, has to decide whether or not to take back her scum of a man after a cheating incident. Meg-doll has had her fair share of public relationship drama regarding this subject, natch, so we asked her if she would take back a dude who's been unfaithful—ya know, if someone did to her what she did to Dennis Quaid?

The peroxided pixie started shaking her head and said, "I doubt it. I don't know, I mean that's what we all talk about. We're all constantly talking about it, the ex factor, both in the film and on set," Meg-poo dished strangely.

It was as if she was talking about the whole stepping-out dynamic in the third person. I dunno, maybe that's how she's gotten through the tabloid-tried days all this time since she broke up her marriage with Quaid, via Russell Crowe while they were making Proof of Life?

Back to the cheating expert: "In Mary's case, she really loves this guy. Does she stay or does she go? She has a daughter [just like Ryan has a son with Quaid]. I think [writer-director Diane English] makes an interesting case both ways. We had a lot of discussion about that."

OK then, babe, since you're so comfortable talking more in the ethereal sense, let's get to the basics:

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We can report that vixen forever Nicollette Sheridan has been licking the wounds from her broken engagement. Which is really so funny, as it seems like just yesterday we were blowing the lid off Nic's Cabo trip with some dude she was oiling up with down by the beach, right after ditching some other guy—all before poor redo ex Michael Bolton came in the pic, only to be dumped, too.

Sorry, don't have all the names here, don't think Nicky love always remember them either. She's like a female John Mayer, in so many ways.

So there the Desperate Housewives hon is in West Hollywood Wednesday night, clinging to a g-friend for support and grilling one of her former fiancé's friends. On the heels of her split from Bolton, Sheridan attended the fifth anniversary of celeb hot spot Il Sole, hosted by Veuve Clicquot and restaurant owner Andy Hewitt. Only her sixth day as a single woman, Sheridan arrived with a female friend, whom she clung to throughout photo ops and greetings.

"She wouldn't detach from her friend," a spy pooped to us, "she looked hot as hell, but no confidence. She really didn't want to be alone."

After myriad toasts of bubbly with Hewitt and other guests, Sheridan got some liquid courage and zeroed in on one of Bolton's musical partners, record producer Richard Perry. "She talked to him one-on-one for over an hour. He's worked a lot with Michael, and it's no coincidence. It's not like she's big in music," the pooper continued, "they were discreet but definitely deep in conversation."

Sheridan's salvation from her emotional night seemed to come with the entrance of her husband—her television husband, anyway:

"She lit up when Neal McDonough walked in," our source said of Sheridan's forthcoming costar and love interest on Wisteria Lane. "Nicollette ran over and said, 'I didn't think I'd see my husband twice in one day!' " So touching! So coincidental! So...Nicollette.

You know, Sheridan, I'd listen up if I were you (and you should be perking your horny ears, too, Mayer): One day you're gonna find yourself with nothin' but just a bunch of ditched dudes and a smelly vibrator. Sounds lovely.

—Additional English-effin' reporting by Matt Donnelly

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At the Towelhead premiere, we also spoke with the fab Maria Bello (more on her latuh), as well as Lost’s Michael Emerson, who’s married to Towelhead’s Carrie Preston. Dude plays the deliciously devilish Ben on the hit show, but, of course, you know that. Don’t you think he’s easily one of the best babes (we use the term liberally, natch) on the sandy nighttime soap, which is about to start back up shortly? Here’s what M.E. had to say:

On his show’s insane popularity: Everybody I run into seems to watch it, so we must be doing something right.

Weirdest Lost theory someone blabbed to him? Some guy told me once that he thought the island was the ruins of an intergalactic zoo...that is less than one percent of overlap with the true meaning of the show. But maybe! Who knows?

There’s an online petition for Emerson to play the Riddler in the next Batman flick.

His thoughts? My agent hasn’t even dreamed of that.

On being the only one in the Lost gang to score an Emmy acting nomination: That doesn’t please me that much because I think I work with a first-rate cast, and everybody on our show is turning in great performances, so it’s not right that I should be up there by myself.

Not surprisingly, Mikey said he’s seen T-shirts reading “Ben Linus for President,” which he fully endorses. “You would know that Ben is on top of the situation and that he was fully informed.”

OK, Emerson had us until that last bit, who the hell does he think he is, Paris Hilton?

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain

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Isn't it interesting Lloyd Boy-Toyed is undertaking his latest media campaign to fight off rumors about everything under the tabloid sun—every topic save the one he wants to get out: that he sometimes likes young dudes in bed. Not Michael Jackson-style, mind you, but he sometimes likes 'em young. And to keep quiet. And you know what that means, doncha girlfriends? Occasionally Mr. Boy-Toyed's gotta give 'em the green. What a cold, hard, cashed-out town this can be, huh?

Let's see, Lloyd's busy mouthing off about his nasty battles with most everybody in the Biz, not to mention his more cherished (and known) companions and relatives. He appears to be a total crank-a-thon, really, but don't believe it for a sec. Oh, some of it's real, that's fer sure, but it's mostly for show, I assure you.

I have firsthand knowledge of Lloyd's more cunning agendas—not to mention the ones he prefers to get underway under the covers. Don't ask me how. I can't tell! I'm a married man now! I would never embark on something as nasty as tattling 'tween the sheets when I've got a superhoney at home. Quite the opposite of how Lloyd goes about things, trust.

Really, though, as sloppy as Lloyd's getting in the attempting-to-score department, he's gonna be out long before our beloved Toothy Tile, I assure you. Oh, and Lloyd-baby, I don't care, really. But, your blind-as-merde fans sure will. I say screw it, already! (Like you have so many guys.)

And It Ain't: Matthew Perry, David Duchovny, Kanye West

Recently, we ran a silly little mention about Drew Barrymore's old darling has-been of an ex, Tom Green. Tom-babe was doing standup at a Hell-Ay club called Spaceland. Our trusted AT eyes reported back not too many chuckles and lacking comedy were to be found. As with many sightings round town, sometimes we mention what others have witnessed, not just us. Not only is this a fairly common practice in our business, the source is one we have faith in, truly. This was not some random drunk dick stumbling outta Silverlake.

Next thing you know, Tom Green defenders, the likes of which I haven't seen since Michael Jackson's frothing-at-the-mouth zealot collection, are commenting out the wazoo that Green's show was funny as hell and that I'm a has-been, a "raging homosexual" one, at that. As if straight ones carry a tad more weight in T-town? Interesting homophobic observation.

Green's gonzo types really do need to get thicker skins and some balls—no testicular cancer jokes intended here, promise. T.G. razzes for a living, think he can't get razzed back? What kind of double-standard crap is that? Half this effin' town is made up of has-beens. Lindsay Lohan's a friggin' has-been, you jerks. It's a badge of dubious if not infamous honor, and besides, we did watch the damn video (above) for ourselves.

It's just that maniacal-screaming straight-dude schtick Green's always done. Not as bad as our first snooper thought, I don't think, but certainly nothing to turn into a raging heterosexual mass over, that's fer sure, so eat my has-been-around butt, already.

Judy Patrick/AlaskaStock.com/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
I seem to recall you expressed plenty of doubts about Obama early on and only threw in your support after he became the nominee. The Right created a whole new media industry digging up dirt on the Clintons and their comrades; however, any dirt published about their candidates now, and suddenly everyone is an evil agent of the liberal elite.
—Saben

Dear Flip-Flop:
True, I was originally a staunch Hill supporter, but if she can throw her support behind Barack, so can I.

Dear Ted:
You suck d--k.
—Eddie

Dear Potty Naughty:
Yes, just not yours! Sorry!

Dear Ted:
I feel sorry for Bristol Palin. However, there could be a good outcome of the Babygate: her mama to finally admit that promoting abstinence as the only birth-control option is delusional. Or else, the V.P. candidate really reveals she is a puppet without a mind of her own.
—MKL

Dear Not Enough:
'Course I feel bad for B.P., she is just a kid (having a kid), after all. If we're talking hypocritical status, then how can John McCain preach fam values when he ditched his wife as fast as Cindy's college car.

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Towelhead premiered at H'wood's ArcLight Cinemas last night—ya know, the indie flick where white knight Aaron Eckhart shoots himself in the foot playing a more appalling character than Two-Face, fer sure. More despicable than Heath's Joker, even, since this creep doesn't have a costume or any makeup to hide behind.

So why would a chiseled chum like A.E. would risk his Dark Knight popularity by polarizing people with such a heinous role? Isn't he terrified of tarnishing his good-guy status? 'Cause we're sure worried for him. "Honestly, I'm just attracted to different types of roles, and every time I go out and say I'm gonna be a good guy, I go out and do bad guys," said Aaron. "We all do things that we're ashamed of and feel guilt. We basically still feel we're good people and our parents love us and we still crack jokes and want to do good in the world...Good guys are more fun to watch when they're bad."

We don't know if we'd say your terrible Towelhead neighbor is "fun" when he's crossing a very Michael Jackson-drawn line with minors, but I guess we'll see if your D.K. fanbase supports you through this one.

The main man responsible for Eckie's ickiness in the flick is Alan Ball, who never saw a dreary set of characters he didn't try to kick in the shins. Al's the macabre man behind American Beauty, Six Feet Under and the new vampire series True Blood—stories so dark we need nightvision goggles to see 'em.

Why not scribe something bright 'n' cheery, Mr. Ball? "We live in a really dark culture. I think we try to make it seem that it isn't, but I think it's a pretty dark culture," he said, as if our blond highlights were covering up our little earsies and making us deaf, or something. Jeez, Ball, it's not like these shades are natural, whatever. "Certainly in my own life, I try to be a person who is functional, who faces conflict in a calm and rational way, and I try to surround myself with people like that. As characters? Those people bore the pants off of me."

Then why is The Hills so popular, Al? Looks like you may be alone there.

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain

Is darling (no, really, sometimes she can be) but addicted Mackenzie Phillips' family fed the ef up? And have past family matters driven Lindsay Lohan into her most recent destructive habit? Ya better believe it. All this and more cattiness, American Idol-style, in today's Truth, Lies & Ted, check it out! I'm wearing almost as much eyeliner as Sarah Palin...It's too fun!

Sean Penn should be clearing off some room off his mantel, 'cause he'll fer sure have a load of new trophies taking up space once his newest movie, Milk, comes out, as it were. Just check out the trailer above. We bet you'll be crying over leaked Milk just like us.

The bio-flick's about the first openly gay man, Harvey Milk, elected to public office. Sure, we're a bit bias on the subject matter, maybe, but we smell another Brokeback-type breakout as far as buzz and little gold men go. Don't forget that little fagola portrayal in Capote exquisitely helped pave Philip Seymour Hoffman's golden road to Oscar.

Come on, you know that's how it usually goes down in T-town. The chicks get Academy Awards out the wazoo for playing hookers and sluts; dudes get it for handicaps and homos. Always, trust us on this one.

Indeed, we hope the film is the trailer, it's that good. We're worried hit-or-miss director Gus Van Sant'll find some way to ef up all the poignant drama he's crammed into a two-minute preview. For every Good Will Hunting, this guy's got a Psycho remake, so the jury's still out till December as far as the full-length version goes.

Wonder what would have happened if Seanie had helmed the flick himself? We know he knows a thing or two about working behind the scenes in difficult conditions after surviving both Into the Wild and his marriage to Madonna. Plus, hear he was more up for the same-sex stuff than was our very darling but sometimes bitchy James Franco. You know how tough and ready for anything those Irishmen are, usually.

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain

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So sure you've heard, Jennifer Aniston is bouncing back from both The Break-Up and her breakup by guesting on NBC's 30 Rock in the fall. Jen's not the first Friend to do so—David Schwimmer did a dorky cameo as a Go Green guy in season two, playing his Ross geek character down to a T. And Rachel—we mean Jen—is doing the same damn thing herself, over and over in every movie she's miraculously cast in.

Quirky but charming personality, great coif, killer legs, huge void inside. Can't this girl pull a Monster and get down 'n' dirty for once? Even with her "ugliest" role in indie flick The Good Girl, her hair was...perfect. Oh, make us throw up faster than watching Amy Winehouse off her considerably talented ass, already. Seriously, Ani-babe, we're just waiting for you to drop the cute shtick and tackle an edgier role. Think the tatted-up, gun-blazin', kickass hottie Angelina played in Wanted, for instance.

We actually think J.A.'s sitcom guest spot will be a big hit—something she hasn't had in a while as far as the silver screen is concerned. Babe needs to realize TV's ready to take her back with open arms, while each and every movie she stars in barely lets her out alive. Unless, of course, our radar is way off and Marley & Me becomes a frontrunner for Best Picture. Right.

But listen, Jen-poo, this well-coiffed girlishness on camera is getting as predictable as your nemesis' overzealous maternal reaching for French saint hood. Give the good girl the brush off, pronto.

—Additional English-screwin' reporting by Becky Bain