The Awful Truth

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While the Awful Truth is off for the holidays this week, we certainly don't want to leave you in the lurch, like Madonna did with Guy when she hit Star Island (where pal Rosie O. has a pad) this week. Of course, we told you that ages ago—that the gal who used to call herself Missus Ritchie so proudly, is now—so proudly—going around as the new A-Rod bitch. But it's so the other way round, trust. A-Rod just doesn't know it. Yet.

Back to our awards. As it's the bird-basting season, decided we must reveal who has (and hasn't) been the biggest greased turkey so far this year. Just in time for all that end-of-the year trophy nonsense. Call it getting-in-the mood mayhem!

And, unlike our own year-end awards, the following dubious recipients are in no particular order, let's just consider it a free-for-all open season, OK? Without further ado, here come the turkeys who've been really big jerkys!

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Kate Walsh may have switched from bottled to tap water in order to save bucks, but trust me, the current financial disaster isn't affecting every celeb. At least not the super-rich ones, 'cause stock market or no stock market, everyone loves to see what baby steps Britney Spears is making this week.

So...what's an über-rich person whose current value is relatively unaffected to do nowadays? Shop, of course! It is a buyer's market for those who can hang, and Julia Roberts and Bruce Willis are not exactly having monetary woes—or so it seems...

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Hilary Swank, slinking into hair salon and spa Shampoo on Third Street in L.A. H.S. brought along a little boy, wonder whose? Salon witnesses swear Hil’s way-short hair was full of fug, with “the worst highlights I have ever seen on anyone—like she was from the Valley!” bitch-squealed the kinda bitcher we like. Jeez, now that’s an insult. Unfortunately, Ms. S came to the coif place for the li'l boy’s trim, as opposed to fixing her own hair horror. Babe’s been filming the Amelia Earhart biopic, which could explain the unsightly do, but only for so long. When in doubt, get a weave. A babe who certainly knows her way thru the slings and arrows of ugly-ass coiffures was…

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Dear Ted:
Aside from the age difference between the kids, this whole Billy Ray/Miley Cyrus/Justin Gaston thing reminds me a lot of the Joe Simpson/Ashlee Simpson/Ryan Cabrera triangle, and it's really creeping me out. We never seem to hear anything from the mothers of these girls. Why don't they step up and say, enough!
—Katie 

Dear Double Tri:
Lynne Spears they’re not. Or at least, not so obviously.

Dear Ted:  
Not into the Angelina/Brad/Jennifer triangle thingy, but I think it is uncalled for to add Aniston's name in the unsexy men poll and leave Angelina's out—especially since that last pic from the L.A. Times interview last week!
—Elizabeth

Dear Picture Reject:
Unfortunately, I think every girl would still wanna look like Angie on a bad day. She may be annoying as hell, but her body is bangin’. Too damn thin, though. 

Dear Ted: 
Longtime reader (and admitted Brangeloonie). Who is the most moderate A-lister out there? And of course, by moderate, I mean boring. As in never involved in something that could be considered a felony, not addicted to drugs or drink, doesn’t worship aliens, hasn’t resorted to mob tactics to get their way, doesn’t cheat on their significant other and is honest about their sexual orientation.
—G 

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Now that poor Cindy McCain and her pills and boy-toys are becoming such old news, get ready for that other peroxide political bitch to take over her headlines! I do mean my very own heroine, Hillary Clinton, who I thought should have gotten the prez nomination. But she didn’t. And I’m warming to Obama—he’s certainly got a less-sullied stab at remaking this country, that’s fer sure—so let’s save H.C. for later. And with her potential for becoming the next secretary of state, a Clinton presidency in the future seems far more solid. Maybe.

See, there’s a whole new batch of personal Hillary goings-on being weighed at sundry media outlets, and, to put it bluntly, should these revelations come out, Cindy and her prescription-pill stupidity will appear silly to the highest degree, by comparison. Oh, and Hil’s sex stuff doesn’t bother me in the least, but then, I’m a total slut, so don’t go by my bedroom barometer.

What I want to know, though, is this: If tons of places have known about Ms. C’s boudoir scorecard for ages, why are they just now preparing the assault?

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Since Angelina Jolie Jr., a.k.a. Megan Fox, was so nice about opening her lips last week at the Men of the Year bash and dishing about what bedroom antics are her fave, we decided we simply had to ask that twisted ‘n’ kinky query all over again. This time up—the Kardashians, who so know their way around sensational fun:

Awful Truth: What should a Man of the Year always do in bed?

Kim Kardashian: Just snuggle with you. Like hold you and spoon with you.

A.T.: Not exactly what we thought you’d answer, but good enough, babe.

A.T.: How ‘bout you, Khloe? What don’t men do in bed that they should?

Khloe Kardashian: Kiss your neck and your collarbone. That gets anybody going. Men forget to kiss, it’s like slow down! Kissing is key!

A.T.: Really. Guys need to go from pushy-pushy-pushy to kissy-kissy-kissy. They’d sure get more if they did!

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We're heading back to school in this week's round of our fave new game. Hope ya got your über-trendy Fendi thinking caps on, you're gonna need 'em!

Take a guess, then take a jump and find out how well ya scored! Make sure to use a No. 2 digital pencil, folks, and no cheating!

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This week, usually shirtless Hugh Jackman was anointed the Sexiest Man Alive, says People mag. Well, duh. What we were more challenged with was who’s the unsexiest nonstud out there? 'Cause damn if Hell-Ay isn't one awful place to meet men, and an even awfuller locale to find a male celeb who isn’t a slimy d-bag. A.T. readers gave their two shiny pennies and picked the winners:

Third Place: It’s a tie! Nick Hogan and Jennifer Aniston both drew 7.8 percent of the unsexy vote. Hey Jen, feel free to jump N.H. when you’re done with John—at least you’re not out of each other’s leagues.  

2nd Place: Blake No-Longer-Incarcerated at 24.3 percent. Almost a quarter of you thought Amy Winehouse’s hubby was the best way to get out of the mood. Never thought Blakey would be this popular.

And the ultimate unsexy winner of the year is...

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Britney’s not the only one who feels like she’s endlessly going through Groundhog Day–we’re going through the same thing whenever we see Samantha Ronson in this Guns N' Roses T-shirt. S.R. has worn it five times in the last month, like, that is so gay of her. Check out our Lindsay Lohan-sprinkled SamRo gallery if ya don’t believe us. Ya'd think you could pick up some sexually androgynous style somewhere else than off your bedroom floor. Oh, and G&R’s Chinese Democracy ain’t gettin’ the best reviews; why not don a shirt with chart-topping Taylor Swift’s pretty mug on the front? Or will Linds get too jealous?

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Dear Ted:
I’m just fed up with the whole Jen vs. Angie issue. Jen has a hot, young guy, plus, she doesn't seem to care what Brad and Angie do. What is Angie and Brad’s problem? By the way, I'm a lesbian. They won't get married until we do? Please, we could care less if they do. Where were they years ago when they were married to other people? It's just another of their publicity stunts.
—amethyistbella

Dear PR Stunt Man and Wife:
One among many. Or a good excuse to stay legally single. 

Dear Ted:
Is Hollywood so boring lately that nearly every article has to be about Rob Pattinson? Or is there a reason for all the sudden heavy publicity? By the way, would have voted a big no on Prop 8 if I lived out your way.
—Lynn, Conn.

Dear Twilight Overdose:
He’s the flavor of the month, and a delicious one at that. Let us gobble him up for a bit, ‘K? We so know there’s more scandal to this creatively coiffed gent than meets his bedroom eyes. Breaking in seconds...

Dear Ted:
Did you by any chance see the storyline on The Starter Wife where the bipolar, closeted action star tries to come out (when he's off his meds) and is stopped by his lover who traps him in the bathroom? Is this anything close to the Toothy Tile situation?
—scatkinson

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Thank heavens somebody’s listening. The supposedly still venerable New York Times finally echoed what we’ve been bitching about for eons: Angelina Jolie knows her way around press manipulation about as well as she does married men.  We said it. Now the Times is saying it: Jolie is the woman aspiring Hollywood publicists should be studying with everything they’ve got.

Oh, and Angie’s reaction to the NYT calling her out like this? “She pretends to be irked,” relayed a Brangelina mutual friend, “but secretly, I know she loves it.” As do we, of course, as do we.

Jeff Vespa/Getty Images; Eduardo Parra/Getty Images

Back over at the GQ Men of the Year to-do at Chateau, forgot to tell you all that Zac Efron was totally digging the fact that everybody was digging him so much. Dude loves the new intense fame thang, big-time. But damn if he didn’t chuckle, rather contemptuously, when somebody asked if he was looking forward to getting his party on with professional club boy Leonardo DiCaprio (who was also at the bash, as well as every hot hang you can find these days). Is that because Leo’s in danger of becoming the male Paris, only with a tad more ability in the acting department? Your guess is as good as ours.

Super-funny bitch Kathy Griffin also hit up the shindig. You know she just couldn’t resist being in a room full of eligible dressed-up men. “I’m a Hillary fan,” 'fessed Kath when asked who her vote was for Gal of the Year. “I think she’s coming back strong. And she could also be Man of the Year. That’s what’s great about her—she’s flexible.”

Don’t be so sure, Kath. It’s not lookin’ so hot in the Hillary political arena right now. And trust us, it kills us to remind you.

—With additional reporting by Taryn Ryder